So hard, but so, so good

I was wondering when it would happen. When it would finally hit me that I would be out of this country and in an entirely different one for the next two months. When I would feel the weight of what that means, and what in my life will change as a result. That moment happened today, 20 days until Chile.

I was filling out an application this afternoon for a scholarship I am eligible to receive for financial support for this trip. Two of the questions on the form I had been neglecting to fill out for some time made me stop and think long enough to let it all sink in.

"In what area of your relationship with Christ do you see a need for growth? How will participating in this project help you grow in this area?"

At the beginning of my thought process, I'll admit, my initial answers to these questions were pretty lame and were not even close to the truth of my real struggles. I don't know who I'm trying to fool when I'm dishonest with myself and with God, because I know that He already knows what I'm really thinking and feeling, even if I don't understand or I just don't want to admit it to myself. WHY do we do this to ourselves? Where does this desire to look perfect before an all-knowing God come from? He already knows me fully and loves me completely, yet I still automatically try to pretend like everything's fine when I'm faced with my flaws and shortcomings. Why isn't my immediate reaction to accept His grace? It would really make this whole sanctification thing so much easier.

It was while I forced myself to answer these questions truthfully that it all hit me. God intends to challenge me like I've never been challenged before, and it's His desire that I become completely broken of my own strength and my own will in order to be rebuilt as a better representation of who He is. I don't know what specifically that will look like, but I know I'll be challenged to surrender, to sacrifice, to give up my pride and my self-sufficiency.

It will be painful.
It will be frustrating.
It will be so. hard.

But, I also know it will be so, so good. 

I won't really be losing anything. I'll be selling my less valuable possessions in order to buy a treasure that has endless worth. It will be through this process that these difficult areas of my relationship with God will definitely be tested and grown.

And I know that in this relationship, I am the one who fails. I am the one who wanders, the one who constantly falls short and needs to be reminded every single moment of who He really is. He has never gone anywhere, He has never had to answer any question like "In what area of your relationship with Laurissa are you not doing your best?" Nope, that's all on me. But it's through these challenges that I'm faced with even more of my brokenness, and I get to watch Him rebuild me.

It's painful. It's frustrating. And it's so hard.

But it is so good. And He is so good. :)

Exposing Lies with Truth

I've been hearing a lot of lies lately. And all too easily, the Enemy uses my fears to make me believe them. I've been afraid of preparing for this trip - I'm afraid that God won't provide the funds I need. I'm afraid I will completely miss everything God is trying to teach me because I'll be so focused on myself. I'm afraid of what He'll  challenge me to sacrifice.

These fears make me believe that:

- God can't use me.
- I'm not good enough.
- I don't have the faith it takes.

But God has been using his people around me to expose these lies and bring them into the light. I have been learning what the message of the Gospel means in a whole new way as I have been preparing for Chile.

- God CAN and DOES use me, and my actions - whether they are failures or successes -  do NOT determine His sovereignty in my life - He is always sovereign. And some other great news, He delights in me and wants to use me for His purpose.

- I am not and will never be "good enough", but Jesus' sacrifice covers me and right now He sees me clothed in white, and completely pure.

- I don't have faith on my own, and there is no way I can force myself to trust, but I have faith through the Holy Spirit living in me.

        "Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

      "As for us, our hope is that God will put us right with him; and this is what we wait for by the power of God's Spirit working through our faith." 
Galatians 5:5

What lies are you believing? What does God say in response to them?