why I love winter

As I was driving to school this morning (since I've written last, I am now a first grade teacher, crazy I know!), and I was looking out over the lightly frosted hills of the valley and the pale pinks and oranges of the sunrise, I finally realized why I love winter. It's subtle beauty at it's best.

In my head I contrasted winter with summer and tried to discover why I have such a love for one and not so much the other. And I gave the seasons personalities to do this. So, when I thought of the personality summer would have, I immediately thought "obnoxious." To be fair, I enjoy many things about summer. Plentiful farmers markets, more sunlight, and people seem overall happier. But if I were to meet the season of summer, I feel like the first words out of her mouth would be, "Hi! I'm summer, I'm beautiful and everyone loves me!" Which is mostly true. But I don't love her that much.

Winter on the other hand, is beautiful in a different way. Winter's pale colors don't demand your eye. In the winter, without the blazing sun, with no flowers adorning her grasses and no leaves to dress the limbs of bare trees, the earth says, "This is me in my most humble, my most vulnerable state." No shows, no diversions, no grasping for attention. Just simple honesty. And because of this, she is even more beautiful to me.

I also find something beautiful in the dormancy of winter. The earth awaits for another time of plenty, but it isn't quite here yet. It's staying quiet and patient, letting time pass as God works to bring about new life. Our times of waiting can be our most vulnerable as well. We aren't striving or working to bring about change on our own. We are letting the Spirit lead us and we are following Him where He is already at work.

Winter echoes my heart, which is why I love her so much.

Obedience and Freedom

Obedience and Freedom: these two ideas in our culture seem directly opposed to each other. To many, obedience negatively implies the interaction between a rule-giver and a rule-follower, one with too much power versus one without any power, a person whose ideas and opinions are valued and a person that sacrifices who they are and what they want, only so the other person can get what they want. It seems like there is no way that obedience and freedom can be related in any way. It can feel like oppression and subjugation, a relationship without freedom, instead of how Jesus defines obedience in the context of a relationship with him, and the blessings that follow it.

Because Jesus loves unconditionally and sees past our immediate circumstances, our obedience to him IS freedom. Because all true freedom is made possible by Jesus and his sacrifice, our obedience also reflects the obedience that Jesus practiced while he was on earth. And when I say freedom, I don’t mean the ability to do whatever we want – everyone already has that ability. We can always choose to do what we want, instead of what is good and life-giving. That’s called living with a sinful human nature. 

What I mean by freedom is no longer living under and acting out of fear, anxiety, pain, anger, jealousy, greed, materialism, rejection, loneliness, desire for control or perfection or approval, and instead experiencing the full life that Jesus wants for us and making choices out of obedience to Him.

If we examine the motivations of our hearts, we will always know if those resulting actions will bring God glory or not. It’s not a mystery. 

No choice made with the motivations listed above will glorify Him – when he forgives and redeems those choices, that is when He is glorified. 

And the beautiful thing is that all the while, God glorifies himself through our failures as well as our successes. When we choose to glorify Him, He is glorified. When we choose ourselves and we repent and bring those failures to God, He will bring redemption and He is also glorified. The difference is whether or not we accept His calling on our lives and walk in repentance and humility with Him, constantly being molded and shaped more into the likeness of Himself, so those choices to bring him glory become automatic.

Ephesians 3:12 says, "In Him and through faith in Him, we may approach God with freedom and confidence."

2 Corinthians 3:17 also says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 

So because obedience is freedom and freedom is Jesus, our obedience to Jesus will always, always, always bring freedom and blessing in our lives, as well as glorify Him. This summer, I have seen this truth all over the place. 

Obedience to Him in my life and in the lives of others has brought insane provision, new perspective, direction and focus, redeemed relationships, renewed trust, and so much f r e e d o m!

Let’s let go of the illusion of freedom outside of Christ, and instead joyfully submit to Him, and ultimately to true freedom.

Stewards of Prayer

August 5^{th _} the day we all begin to part ways, via cars, planes, and buses. Nicole and I are the only ones left in our hotel lobby as we wait for the time we need to leave for the bus station. As each member leaves, I am so aware of their impact on the team as a whole and I am hopeful for how God is pushing them forward and closer to Himself.

We had the privilege of participating in the awesome community at Trinity Life Church in Toronto this summer, and one day we witnessed a baptism at Lake Ontario. As we were praying after the beautiful baptism, one of the pastors Mike said, “We as spiritual authorities who have the Holy Spirit living in us have the power and ability to bless others with what they need in Christ to engage their lives in a real way.” Earlier in the month on a Sunday morning, the other TLC pastor Daniel talked about another way we should be praying. He described that we need to be praying more for others and the church, and less for what we need ourselves. It isn’t bad or wrong to ask God for what we need – in fact He commands us to. But we need to be aware that sometimes our petitions for things we need for ourselves can take away from how we can be blessing the church and others around us in ways that they desperately need.

Just like everything else God has given us, prayer is a gift and a resource that needs to be used wisely. We need to be stewards of prayer in a way that allocates it to things that need it most. For example, how often do you pray for those that you know to come to a saving relationship with Christ? On the other hand, often do you ask God to provide you with financial security? And at the very end of everything, when all earthly kingdoms have faded away, the stars have burned out, and the mountains have crumbled and fallen, which of these questions has an eternal answer?

This gives me so much hope, because I’ve realized something. Since our ability to flood others with blessings is so easily accessible with Christ in us, there is SO much potential for the church to become the bride that He so desperately longs for! Let’s please regularly bless our brothers and sisters with what they need, and pray for others to know the saving grace of Christ.

I wasn’t able to say this to my team members in person before leaving, but I want them all to know that I am blessing each of them through prayer. Brendan and James - our two unofficial members of the team! I am so glad we were all able to meet the two of you and spend our summer with you. I bless you both with purpose as you finish out your internships in Toronto and return back to every day life. Tyler, another unofficial team member! Thanks for including us in your ministry this summer and for sharing your experiences with us. I bless you with opportunities to reach others back in Dallas in new ways and daily faithfulness as God leads you there. I bless Kelly and Jenna with boldness and conviction, as they feel led to begin a Bible study to impact people where they live and work. I bless Kelsie with perseverance to discover the truth to questions she is asking about her future and purpose and passions. I bless Nicole with peace and steadiness of heart as she navigates life-altering decisions and events. I bless Noah, Azzie, Bryan, and Joshua with leadership and ownership of the ways that God has gifted each of them; in creativity, in sports, in relationships and connecting with others. And I bless Eric with patience and endurance, and grace as he takes the next steps into a new life.

I bless the current and future efforts of each member of our team for the Lord’s sake – God, I pray that we would make disciples in Harrisonburg, Nashville, Knoxville, Suffolk, and Culpeper, and anywhere else you would send us.

The Beautiful Mosaic

           As I write this, one of our team members is already on her way back home and the rest of us are spending the last few moments we have in Toronto processing and sorting through everything we've seen and learned here this summer. Tomorrow is the last day of July, and the month of August has a lot in store for me. However even before I leave Toronto, I've already let my thoughts get consumed by the events and logistics of the coming few weeks, that include everything from weddings of two of my oldest friends, moving in to my new apartment, and beginning a full-time job! So, in the hopes of keeping my thoughts in the present moment, this post will be a summary of how I felt that I have changed and how the Lord has worked in my life this summer, and how I hope this will impact the course of my future as well. 
           This summer has been unlike any experience I’ve ever had, and God has done so much more than I expected or imagined. I came to this city hard-hearted, doubtful, and afraid. But at the same time, I felt a powerful yearning that I can’t adequately explain – I longed for the ways that I knew God would break through all of my negativity assure me of His presence and show me His might. In place of the crippling fear I’ve felt for the past year, I felt a healthy fear that instead moved me forward and helped me put one foot in front of the other as I journeyed towards Toronto. I knew that in the month preceding this trip, God was emptying me completely of myself, and I was fearful but also overjoyed to see the last drop of me fall to the ground, and then see Him completely fill me back up to the point of overflowing. There have been many things I’ve celebrated here this summer, but the real victory was my arrival. Actually getting here was the event that the Lord was leading me towards; I was taking action against the doubts I had and placing my trust in the Lord that He would be here with me, and since then He has not stopped showering me with blessings.
           After spending time with church planters and their wives and families here, I have sensed a pull from the Lord to pursue this idea and lifestyle of church planting. The time that I spent with the women involved was so important for me, because I wanted to see what the daily life and responsibilities are for a woman in this journey. There are many women that are wives of church planters and mothers of their children which are such important roles to fill. One day I may become a wife and mother, but I wanted to see what it would look like for me today as a single woman to be involved in a church plant. I have loved hearing the perspectives of wives and hearing about the different seasons of ministry their families have gone through, and what it looks like to lead as a woman in this environment. I have been so encouraged to hear that there are definitely roles for women to fill based on what their passions are, in addition to possibly filling the roles of wife and mother. This has been very eye opening for me, and has made me even more excited to see where the Lord could lead me within the coming years.
           Toronto itself is a place that looks the same as any other city in the US on the surface, but underneath there are many cultural differences that I’ve recognized, which has made it a fascinating place to live for the past 6 weeks. I love that almost every culture of the world is represented and cherished here, and diversity is built in to the urban way of life. The Canadian nation is described as a mosaic, unlike the melting pot we like to ascribe to the US. As a mosaic, this country sees each individual culture as a unique and beautiful addition to a larger picture of people. If they were all watered down and blended together, the greater picture would lose its entire meaning. I love this idea of community and the need for diversity, and how it's such a great reflection of God's design for His people in 1 Corinthians 12:12-31. There are many things that people here in Toronto value that I want to now carry myself, such as environmental stewardship, cultural vibrance, and desire for community. 
          I have learned so much from the people in this city, the members of my team, the planters that have led and encouraged us, and from my times alone and quiet before the Lord. This has absolutely been a life-shaping experience, and I’m excited for what it means for my life and for the future of the church here in this city! 
          Thank you SO much for the support and the prayers - I have felt your prayers while being here and it has sincerely been the most uplifting part of everything I've experienced. May the Lord bless you so much for your investment in my life and His kingdom!

Time is a tricky thing

I think one thing that I could say about these past 3 weeks in Toronto (and really my past few months) is that time is tricky. Sometimes it feels like so much of it has passed when it really hasn’t at all, or the complete opposite. We’ve been here as a team for three weeks, and we have learned and experienced so much about the city, and we have also had time to rest and reflect. Living in close community with 9 others makes it feel like a lot is going on all the time, and we are constantly challenging each other to dig deeper about our experiences and see God working in them. This makes it seem like so much has occurred in these past 3 weeks, but then I step back and realize that it’s only been 3 weeks.

Something else I have learned is that we all expect God to fit into our finite, distorted, human definition of time, and I have seen so clearly how I impose that on how I think God should work. I have learned a lot about my expectations of when and how things should happen, and I have attempted to rush things and slow things down based on my warped definition of time, which in turn shrinks my definition of God.

When God is present in our lives, we get a glimpse of eternity – a place where time is not confined by hours, days, months, years. God’s presence alone stands outside of time, and when we stand with Him in that place, our definition of time changes and we can see the unimpeded work of His hands.

An insane amount of change has been happening in my life for the past 2 months. God has broken a lot of my plans and expectations for the upcoming year, and has begun rebuilding them in such a short amount of time to re-align them to Himself. This rapid destruction, upheaval, and renewal is making me question if what’s happening is even real. My reality has been changing too quickly for my heart and mind to catch up, and it’s been overwhelming. But I’m seeing that none of what is happening is occurring from my own will and effort – God is weaving his desires for me into my future and moving and shifting things himself, and that has given me so much peace and excitement amidst the confusion.

I no longer want to place my expectations of timing and when things should happen on an infinite and eternal God – I want to be so content in His presence alone and live so fully in that, so I can only experience time the way He does, exactly like this song describes - 

When You Walk Into the Room - Bryan and Katie Torwalt

- Solitude -

It's funny that when I want to slow down and have some time to myself, it doesn't happen often, and when it does, I deeply treasure those few moments. And sometimes, when I want to get up and go, the Lord stops me mid stride and forces me to sit still. I've learned about how to practice solitude as a spiritual discipline intentionally - making time on purpose to shut out distractions and simply be before the Lord. But I've always chosen those moments. I've always made that time when I wanted to make that time. So lately I've been asking myself, "Is it still a spiritual discipline that I am cultivating in myself when I don't choose to do it, and I simply have to because of my circumstances?"

I entered into this in-between season of life knowing it would be different - but I didn't realize everything the Lord would remove in order to slow down my heart and mind. Almost all of my friends are in other places - all of my time commitments and responsibilities have ended for now - and I feel as though I am left empty-handed. And although it feels so strange, I'm seeing that's what the Lord has wanted from me all along. Not to come to Him saying, "Look at everything I'm doing, aren't you proud of me?!" But to again learn what it means to define myself by how He sees me every day, instead of defining myself by how I spend my time.

I read this definition of solitude and it is definitely what I'm beginning to learn.

"solitude: to do nothing and don't try to make anything happen.  

In solitude and silence you're learning to stop doing, stop producing, stop pleasing people, stop entertaining yourself, stop obsessing - stop doing anything except to simply be yourself before God and be found by him."

Do nothing.

Don't try to make anything happen. 

It's pretty easy to do nothing when there's quite literally nothing to do. That's not the hard part for me right now, that's not disciplining myself. The disciplining comes when I embrace the nothing, be thankful for it, and bear my undivided soul and attention to Him, trusting that He will make things happen so I can stop painfully striving and just be.

I've slowly been realizing that I may never have another season like this again in my life - one in which I can wake up, walk to a bakery and sit outside reading, journaling, praying, for hours. This realization has made me infinitely more thankful for the next few weeks, because I know they will go by quickly and then they will be gone forever. I have never been so firmly planted in the here and now. My roots only extend so far as to gather what I need for today - not what I need for next month, next week, or tomorrow. They're not wide roots, but they're deep in right now. And I'm finding that because I'm not stretched thin for the first time in a long time, I am so much stronger in Him. My constant prayer is that God would make me uncomfortable, because it's in comfort that God seems to become smaller to me, and that scares me. My discomfort and my desire to see God magnified came at a high price - loss of close relationships for a time, lack of ways to keep busy and feel purposed - but as quickly as He removed those things, He stepped into that void and has been refilling me with His presence and giving me His peace and joy, and reminding me moment by quiet moment of who I truly am in His eyes - 

"I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels."

Isaiah 61:10

(Also two of my close friends got married last weekend and I've just been thinking about the beauty of weddings.)   :)

Cells and other (not so small) things

I've been thinking a lot lately about cells. And life cycles. And how things begin, grow, die, and form new life all over again. Maybe it's because I spent a while in my 1st grade student teaching placement in the fall teaching my kids about the life cycle of a pumpkin and the lesson really stuck with them for the rest of the year and was revisited on Earth Day (which my teacher-self was really excited about.) But I've also realized the connection between the cells in our bodies and plants living and dying and beginning anew, to the ways that our entire planet is constantly shifting and changing, causing destruction and pain, yet also heals itself over and over again.

Down to our very cells, everything in creation is experiencing the deep ache of not existing the way it was supposed to. Even our own bodies know it! But how often do our spirits recognize and identify our perpetual unrest, and what causes it?

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."

Romans 8:18-25

Thinking about this also reminded me of something a friend and I were talking about a few weeks ago - she reminded me that we literally become what we eat. The cells in my body that are right now being formed to replace ones that have died are being created from the food I ate this morning, and yesterday, and the day before that, and so on. If I only ever ate perfectly balanced meals and food that was grown exactly the way creation was meant to produce it, without harmful chemicals or preservatives and other things that my body was not meant to digest, my body would be as healthy as it could possibly be. And the cool thing is, I'd be able to outwardly see those results. My newly generating cells would be in even better working condition, I'd have tons of energy and my body would be even better at healing itself.

I think the same is true of our spiritual lives. If we are always feeding our souls with the truth of God, we would constantly be reshaped and reformed, and those results of real, deep intimacy with God would show outwardly in our lives. I have often fallen into the trap of believing that "I just need to show more grace" or "I just need to be more patient" or any other characteristic that I want to be better at - I can't just do any of those things because I want to. Instead, experiencing intimacy with my Creator will transform my heart and allow those characteristics to show in who I am. 

How cool is it that God, despite the fact that we rebelled against Him and always choose to serve ourselves instead, has blessed us with bodies and a place to live that are capable of creating new life from total destruction? And how powerful is that idea, in giving us hope for the final renewal that is yet to come? It literally gives me chills.