It's funny that when I want to slow down and have some time to myself, it doesn't happen often, and when it does, I deeply treasure those few moments. And sometimes, when I want to get up and go, the Lord stops me mid stride and forces me to sit still. I've learned about how to practice solitude as a spiritual discipline intentionally - making time on purpose to shut out distractions and simply be before the Lord. But I've always chosen those moments. I've always made that time when I wanted to make that time. So lately I've been asking myself, "Is it still a spiritual discipline that I am cultivating in myself when I don't choose to do it, and I simply have to because of my circumstances?"
I entered into this in-between season of life knowing it would be different - but I didn't realize everything the Lord would remove in order to slow down my heart and mind. Almost all of my friends are in other places - all of my time commitments and responsibilities have ended for now - and I feel as though I am left empty-handed. And although it feels so strange, I'm seeing that's what the Lord has wanted from me all along. Not to come to Him saying, "Look at everything I'm doing, aren't you proud of me?!" But to again learn what it means to define myself by how He sees me every day, instead of defining myself by how I spend my time.
I read this definition of solitude and it is definitely what I'm beginning to learn.
"solitude: to do nothing and don't try to make anything happen.
In solitude and silence you're learning to stop doing, stop producing, stop pleasing people, stop entertaining yourself, stop obsessing - stop doing anything except to simply be yourself before God and be found by him."
In solitude and silence you're learning to stop doing, stop producing, stop pleasing people, stop entertaining yourself, stop obsessing - stop doing anything except to simply be yourself before God and be found by him."
Do nothing.
Don't try to make anything happen.
It's pretty easy to do nothing when there's quite literally nothing to do. That's not the hard part for me right now, that's not disciplining myself. The disciplining comes when I embrace the nothing, be thankful for it, and bear my undivided soul and attention to Him, trusting that He will make things happen so I can stop painfully striving and just be.
I've slowly been realizing that I may never have another season like this again in my life - one in which I can wake up, walk to a bakery and sit outside reading, journaling, praying, for hours. This realization has made me infinitely more thankful for the next few weeks, because I know they will go by quickly and then they will be gone forever. I have never been so firmly planted in the here and now. My roots only extend so far as to gather what I need for today - not what I need for next month, next week, or tomorrow. They're not wide roots, but they're deep in right now. And I'm finding that because I'm not stretched thin for the first time in a long time, I am so much stronger in Him. My constant prayer is that God would make me uncomfortable, because it's in comfort that God seems to become smaller to me, and that scares me. My discomfort and my desire to see God magnified came at a high price - loss of close relationships for a time, lack of ways to keep busy and feel purposed - but as quickly as He removed those things, He stepped into that void and has been refilling me with His presence and giving me His peace and joy, and reminding me moment by quiet moment of who I truly am in His eyes -
I've slowly been realizing that I may never have another season like this again in my life - one in which I can wake up, walk to a bakery and sit outside reading, journaling, praying, for hours. This realization has made me infinitely more thankful for the next few weeks, because I know they will go by quickly and then they will be gone forever. I have never been so firmly planted in the here and now. My roots only extend so far as to gather what I need for today - not what I need for next month, next week, or tomorrow. They're not wide roots, but they're deep in right now. And I'm finding that because I'm not stretched thin for the first time in a long time, I am so much stronger in Him. My constant prayer is that God would make me uncomfortable, because it's in comfort that God seems to become smaller to me, and that scares me. My discomfort and my desire to see God magnified came at a high price - loss of close relationships for a time, lack of ways to keep busy and feel purposed - but as quickly as He removed those things, He stepped into that void and has been refilling me with His presence and giving me His peace and joy, and reminding me moment by quiet moment of who I truly am in His eyes -
"I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels."
Isaiah 61:10
(Also two of my close friends got married last weekend and I've just been thinking about the beauty of weddings.) :)
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